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The memories kept coming to me in the form of dreams, or I guess nightmares would be more accurate. In the dark the feeling of being helpless and used like a blow up sex doll would wake me from a sound sleep.
My girlfriend blamed my lack of interest in her usually charming ways on the stress of building up my career in music; I knew that my problems ran deeper than she could ever begin to know.
When I read about it his body being discovered the papers I admit I had a laugh, secure in knowing that there would never be a connection made back to me.
I felt no guilt at my actions, I was trained from an early age that sometimes it comes down to kill or be killed. True, I was really in no danger of dying at the hands of the man who raped me, but he did more harm than if he had taken my life.
I was now consumed with questioning who I really was. What about me made him think I wanted his attentions? Was there something I had been denying in myself that others could see? Sometimes in the middle of my morning shave I’d stare into the mirror at my reflection, but it was like trying to read a book in a language where you only knew the alphabet.
One the guys in my band, Paul, was a very “out” man, and I watched him with an almost clinical studying in an attempt to see what defined him as gay that I could find in me. Aside from being in the same band and being musically inclined nothing seemed in common.
One night after a gig and a few beers into the post-stage revel I got the courage to ask him if he found me attractive. What I thought was a subtle way of approaching that subject obviously didn’t seem that way to him. After he stopped choking on his drink he looked at me like I had grown antlers.
He cleared his throat and sputtered, “Do you really want me to answer this or are you just pulling my leg? Is this a test?”
“No, it’s not really a trick question, do you or don’t you?” I asked.
“Before I answer that, can I ask you a question?” Paul then motioned for me to lean in a bit closer. When I followed his direction, he continued, “are you INSANE?”
I sat back and gave a short laugh, “Maybe. I’m not sure to be honest.”
“You really mean this, you’re serious? OK, let me have a look at you.” He grinned and his eyes slid over me like he was appraising a new car. “Aside from being shorter and slighter built than I usually like my men, you are kind of cute, gorgeous eyes. Why do you ask?”
I lost my nerve then and tried to make light of it as if I was pulling his leg but he didn’t seem to buy that. After a few very uncomfortable attempts at changing the subject I wandered over to the coolers and I found another beer or three and downed them in quick succession.
I was almost reached the point of drinking the taste of embarrassment out of my mouth when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I turned around and Paul was standing right behind me, “I’m sorry if I made a joke out of that, but you took me off guard totally. I mean we’ve worked together only a year, and well, you seem ah, well, ah.”
“I seem what?” I asked.
“Attached” He shrugged, “What I mean is, you have that chick that sometimes comes with us on tour.”
I didn’t say anything, hoping that if I didn’t keep this conversation going it would mean it never happened.
Paul seemed to take the hint, and started to walk away, and then he made a clicking sound with his tongue and turned back towards me with a scowl on his face, “Were you making a pass at me?” I didn’t get a chance to speak before his expression changed to a sly smile, “You were, weren’t you? I’ll be damned!”
I found my voice, “keep it down!” I hissed, “Look, this is stupid. I was not making a pass at you; let’s put it down to a case of me needing to install a filter between my brain and my mouth, OK?”
“You’re not fooling me, you meant it.” His smile brightened, “Since we’re being honest, yeah you are tasty. It’s not just the girls that find you attractive, you know. I know a lot of guys, just like me, who wouldn’t mind getting you into their beds.” He puckered his lips and made a kissing sound, “Now boss, if you want to see how serious I am, invite me up to your room and I’ll prove it to you.”
When I got back to the hotel, I changed in my sleep gear, a well-worn and holey white tshirt and a pair of decommissioned tracksuit trousers and got into bed. I turned off the light and closed my eyes hoping by going through the motions my body would decide to go to sleep. After a half hour of turning in the sheets like I was on spit, I turned the light back on and sat up.
I briefly thought of calling my girlfriend but the time difference meant that I would be waking her up if I did. Instead I drank my way through the mini-bar, and smoked a pack of cigarettes. My eyes were reaching the comfortably heavy point when a knock on the door made my heart leap almost out of my chest.
I looked through the peephole in the door and saw it was Paul. I briefly considered pretending to have not heard his knock illegal bahis when he spoke, “Let me in, I know you’re right in front of the door, boss.”
I opened the door, admitting him, “Stop calling me boss.”
He saluted me, “Yes, sir” and then he went over the bed, stretched out and patted the space next to him. “Join me.”
My mind instructed my mouth to tell him what he could do with his presumption, and order him to leave, but my body seemed to have taken control and I walked over to the bed and lay down next to him. I curled my arms as close to my chest as I could and I was sure not to touch him.
“I’m not going to bite you,” he laughed, “unless you want me to.”
He sat up and took my chin in his hand tilted my head to look at him, “I promise not to do anything you don’t want me to do. This is obviously not your normal mode of operation, so if you want me to go easy I will.”
I cleared my throat, and shook my head to free myself from his hand, and got off the bed, “I think you should go. I am sorry I gave you the wrong impression.”
He got to his feet, and instead of leaving put his hand on my chest right above my heart, “It’s really racing, boss. You sure you want me to go?” He placed his other hand on my neck pulling me towards him, “Or do you want this?” with that he pressed his lips to mine and gave me a kiss.
Two things happened at once, I was surprised at his actions and my knees seemed to turn to water. When he ran his tongue over the roof of my mouth I found standing was no longer an option. I almost fell but Paul caught me and he lifted me like I was a child and placed me on the bed.
He stood over the bed looking down at me for a few minutes. I couldn’t read his face, it was a mixture many emotions. He sat down next to me and placed his hand on my cheek. Then he smiled a half smile and found a hole in my shirt with his fingers and ripped it open.
The ripping sound triggered something in my brain and a feeling of panic overtook me, “No!” I pushed his hands away and yelled, “Get the hell out of here! Leave me alone!”
“Man, someone really put the fear into you didn’t they? Who messed you up so badly, boss?”
“Paul, just go, please?” I begged, “This is a mistake, please just leave.”
“Tell you what,” he said pulling back the covers, “I’ll just sleep here tonight. Like brothers OK? Nothing else unless you want it.”
“Don’t you have your own room?” I tried to get my voice to a more normal pitch but I sounded funny even to me, “can’t you go sleep there?”
“I am sharing with Mark, remember? I can’t just mosey back there tonight without him asking a lot of questions. You can sleep covered up and I’ll sleep on top of the covers. Promise it’ll be PG.”
“If you don’t leave you’re fired!”
“Yeah good thinking boss, we have a show tomorrow, how fast can you get a new drummer?” Paul snorted, “Now stop acting like a twit and be a good boy and go to sleep, don’t forget you have that appearance in less than 4 hours.”
“Oh shit,” I sighed, getting under the sheets, “that’s right. OK you win, but I don’t think I can sleep anyway.”
“I can help you get to sleep,” he laughed, “If you’d let me.”
“No! I’m serious you try anything and I don’t care if I have to spend all afternoon programming a damned drum machine, you’ll be gone so fast you won’t even have time to pack your sticks!”
He turned off the lights, “Whatever you say, boss.”
“Stop calling me boss!”
Despite my misgivings I did manage to fall asleep, when the wake up call arrived I was surprised to find Paul still there, and apparently he had been watching me sleep for quite a while.
“Didn’t anyone tell you it’s rude to stare?” I grumbled.
“You’re hard not to stare at” he smiled, “You know in the year or so we’ve known each other this is about the closest you’ve let me get to you. You’re kind of a mystery boss.”
My head was reminding me of my mini-bar mini-party by throbbing when I sat up and swung my feet out of bed, “”Do you always wake up this chatty?”
“You need coffee, you’re looking pretty rough there boss.” He reached over and smoothed my hair down with the flat of his palm. “Why don’t you hit the shower and I’ll order for you some, and I’ll head out.”
As I headed into the bathroom, I looked down at my shirt, the front looked like the Incredible Hulk had worn it, the only thing holding it to me was the sleeves, I called out, “You owe me a shirt!” I took it off and tossed it on the floor. I had just applied the shaving cream when Paul poked his head into the bathroom.
“I owe you more than that,” he leered, “I’ll give you a rain cheque for now. Have fun at that morning show, hope you’ll be all bright eyed and bushy tailed by then.”
I did manage to fake the bushy tailed part in time for the show, even though my head felt like midgets with jackhammers and spiked shoes were tap dancing on my brain. Luckily the make up artist got the bright-eyed thing accomplished with the proper illegal bahis siteleri application her stock in trade.
As I left the TV studio, I signed a few autographs for waiting fans, and then got into the waiting limo to get back to the hotel. When I got there the band had already loaded up the tour bus and my stuff was packed as well, so I boarded the bus and we went off to the next gig. My eyes were having a hard time staying open so I claimed the bedroom at the back of the bus and lay down for a nap.
I must have been really out of it because I woke up only after I felt someone lightly kissing my neck. I knew who it was before I even opened my eyes, “you’ve got to be kidding me! Paul what the hell are you doing?”
“Cashing in the rain cheque,” he murmured.
“On the bus? With everyone just outside that door?” I sat up and pushed him away, “you are out of your mind!”
“They are either asleep or watching a DVD with headsets on. As long as you aren’t a screamer, we should be OK.” He stripped off his shirt and kicked off his shoes, “Don’t worry the door’s locked.”
A couple of thoughts competed in my head, first was “what the hell? Now is as good a time as ever” and the other was questioning whether the first thought was totally off its rocker and needed a straight jacket. Before I could pursue the second thought further I looked up and Paul was standing next to the bed completely naked and as the phrase goes, was very happy to see me.
He took my chin in his hand and tilted my head down so I was no longer looking up at his face, “Let’s put that charming little mouth of yours to good use” he commanded as he put his other hand on the back of my head pushing me forward.
My lips parted seemingly on their own and I took him into my mouth, I had never given head, I had received it enough times to know what worked for me, and I put that experience to good use or so I thought. I was just getting into it, enjoying the feel of his head swell over my tongue when he tightened his grip and jammed himself completely into me, making me gag. I tried to pull back but he held me firmly to him and began to fuck my mouth so hard tears came to my eyes. I clamped my hands onto his arms and to pull him away from me but it was no use. After a few minutes he came, filling my raw throat with a stinging salty liquid, then he pulled out of my mouth. He loosened his hold on me and I stood up, wiping my mouth on my sleeve as I looked around for a place to spit the taste of him out of me.
I was furious, I pushed him up against the wall of the bus and hissed, “What the hell is wrong with you? Just who do you think you are?” I punched the wall right next to his head as sort of a warning shot.
My anger was met by a wry grin, and then a mumbled apology as he gathered up his clothing threw it on without another word and left the room.
I wanted to scream, and had I been someplace slightly less public I would have done a bit more wall punching or something to get it all out. Instead I sat on the edge of the bed, lit a cigarette with shamefully shaky hands and took several deep breaths.
After the gig that night, I skipped the usual backstage routine and snuck out a side door of the venue. I had thought I was being pretty clever until I rounded a corner and Paul was standing right in front of me. “I need to talk to you boss”.
“You need to get the fuck out of my way,” I replied pushing my way passed him.
“I’m sorry; I got carried away on the bus. I lost my mind momentarily and forgot who I was with.” He trotted after me, “Let me make it up to you!” he called as I increased the distance between us.
I stopped; OK, I thought, this is an intriguing concept “How do you plan to do that?” I asked.
He grinned slyly, “Anything your little heart desires. You call the shots this time.”
How often does an offer like that come about? “Anything?”
“Anything, everything, you name it.”
“What if I want to do nothing?”
“Then nothing it is.” he smiled, “but what fun is that? C’mon boss, give me a go.”
We agreed to meet up at midnight in my room, and went our separate ways.
I sat in the hotel room watching the clock inch to midnight, I wanted a drink in the worst way but I also had the desire to stay sober in case it got out of hand again. I decided to take a bath; maybe a soak in a hot tub would relax me.
The water in the tub hadn’t quite grown cold when I heard the door open, I called out, and “I’ll be out in a minute!”
I regretfully left the tub, dried off and did a quick pat down of my hair, wrapped the towel around me and stepped into the room. My brain froze; there in all her glory was Jenna, my girlfriend. She was totally naked holding a bottle of champagne. I quickly glanced at the clock, oh god, it was just midnight! I started to say something when the door opened. Paul in the same movement leapt into the room, tore open his robe and called out “Get yourself ready for the night of your life boss!”
Jenna canlı bahis siteleri looked at Paul, then at me. Then at the champagne, then back at me. I tried to squeak out something but found my voice had disappeared on me.
Paul put his robe back on, “Man, this is awkward.”
Jenna took my hand and pulled me into the bathroom, shutting the door after us. She grabbed a towel and covered herself up. “You want to explain this?”
I cleared my throat, again tried to say something, anything, but found I could only open and close my mouth. I settled for shaking my head.
Paul took this time to try to leave, Jenna heard the door open and called out, “Stay right there buster!”
She turned back to me, “Is this something that’s been going on for a while?” I shook my head no. “Alright, have you slept with him before?” Again I shook my head no. She leaned in close to me, “Is this something you want to do?”
Finally my voice came back, I had tears in my eyes, but I wasn’t sure who they were for, “I’m so sorry.”
“Baby, don’t be sorry.” She cooed pulling me to her, “this could be fun. My last boyfriend was bi.” I pulled back and gave her a look that made her laugh, “Don’t be so shocked, it’s not that unusual. Now let’s get this party started.”
I stammered, “I think I’ve changed my mind”
“Let’s crack open the champagne, get to know each other a bit better then decide.” Jenna giggled, taking me by the hand and leading me into the room.
I sat on the bed, Jenna and Paul took the sofa and chair respectively, as Jenna opened and poured the champagne. So there were the three of us, two attired in towels, the other in a robe, the room very awkwardly silent, drinking champagne. When the first bottle was empty, another was produced.
Suddenly it occurred to me that I was doing most of the drinking, I had refilled my glass for the 6th or 7th time when a little voice in my head pointed out that I hadn’t seen either of them do so. Through mental instant reply I realised, in fact, they were both on their first glasses. I was about to say something about that when I looked at Jenna and caught her mid-wink at Paul, before I could ask what that was about; they both stood up and came over to me.
Jenna knelt down in front me and undid the towel at the same time Paul sat behind me putting his legs on either side of mine. Jenna’s lips found me as Paul reached his arms under mine pulling me back towards him and began raining small biting kisses on my neck and shoulders.
My breath caught in my throat as my nerves jumped at each touch. My skin felt on fire, I wanted to ask them to slow down, give me time to breathe but instead managed only a moan of pleasure.
Jenna’s lips were replaced by Paul’s as they switched positions with the precision of a ballet. She moved behind me, pulling me to a reclining position on her body and turned my head towards her and began kissing me so hard my lips felt like they were bruising. She nipped my lips open and stuck her tongue in, then locked her legs around my waist.
She pulled away from my mouth long enough to say, “Now!” then quickly resumed her actions. Paul stood up between my legs, lifted them under his arms and moved into me. My back arched from the shock and the pain of his entry. I tried to cry out but Jenna’s tongue was filling my mouth and her lips covered mine, the sound I made was muffled but I think I got my point across.
Paul halted his progress “Should I stop?” he asked Jenna, his voice sounding genuinely concerned.
Oh god, please! I thought, please stop! She made a gesture with her hand that I caught out of the corner of my eye that seemed to give him permission to continue as he completed his entry into me.
He pulled out slowly and gently pushed back in, while lifting my legs up and further apart. I briefly though of kicking him hard in the nuts but his cock found my prostate and I felt a jolt of electricity that hit me so hard I was momentarily blinded. I shook my head trying to clear it, but he pulled out and hit it again. My back arched again but this time in pleasure.
Jenna felt the change in my attitude by snaking her hand down to my now rock hard cock; she left off my mouth and shifted to lying down next to me and taking me into her mouth. Paul was mercilessly pounding away in me and that combined with Jenna’s actions I was almost paralysed with sensation.
This continued for a few more minutes until Paul lifted me totally off the bed, and rotated my body until I was on my knees in front of him, he had pulled out so I thought he was finished, but I was wrong. Jenna slid under me wrapped her legs around my waist and put me inside her. Paul then joined us on the bed, knelt behind me and entered me again. My arms shook as I tried to prop myself up over Jenna as Paul drove himself in and out of me. Each thrust of his pushed me into her and when he pulled out I did too.
I was no longer capable of being coherent; I just closed my eyes and let what would happen, happen.
I felt Jenna contract around me and she tore my back with her nails as she came, at the same time Paul seemed to grow in me and his thrusts became more erratic but I wasn’t quite there myself, I felt overwhelmed by the double action.
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